Sick & Tired

In a bad mood... again.  Still adjusting to this new life.  Today we went to a friend's house to watch the Iowa game.  Can't help but feel like Mike's take-along babysitter.  I guess it's called a mom.  He gets to drink and hang out while I sit upstairs and feed Ava.  Mike volunteers to give Ava a bottle but I still have to pump so it doesn't save me much time.  Don't get me wrong, I'm totally pro-BF and I am proud of myself for doing it, but... it is so time consuming.  I feel so tied down.  I've been sick the past two days and I can't even take the medication I need because it's not safe for Ava. 

I'm just having one of those days where life seems so unfair.  I was talking with my co-workers last night and one said, "My mother watches my kids every monday and friday morning so I can nap," "My aunt takes my daughter on Thursdays so I can sleep," "My cousin watched our son last night so we could go out."  It makes me sick when I hear things like this.  I never get to nap longer than 30 minutes at a time, no matter how often I was up the night before.  Mike and I will never get to go out as a couple (I have trust issues with babysitting - but that's a whole other blog post).  We are going at this parenting thing alone.  And the pressure I feel as a mom makes me feel like I'm in it alone.  I can't drop Ava off at my parents when I need a break.  I don't have Brooke or Leah here to talk to (it's different to be able to talk to someone in person versus over the phone).  At first I thought that raising a child without having my family in town to help would be empowering... like it would be cool to do it all on our own... but I hate it more each day.  I can't believe I live here.  When did I make this choice?  I would move home tomorrow if I could.  I've thought about packing up my car and going, and dealing with the consequences later.  Who cares if I get fired?  I could find a job in Sioux City and have tons of babysitters.  Mike could come visit us on the weekends if he's not on board with my plan.  I would be happier there, Ava would be happier there, and Darrell would be happier there.  

Oh I need to quit blogging when I'm sick and tired.  People are going to whispering about me.